Network Jokes

Chuck Norris

• 911 is Chuck Norris’ cell phone number.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t do TCP handshake – he does TCP roundhouse-kick to initiate the connection.
• Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
• Chuck Norris is able to answer missed call before it is missed.
• Chuck Norris can cut cable from WiFi.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now.”
• The world is moving from IPv4 and going straight to IPv6 because Chuck Norris doesn’t like the number 5!
• There are no hidden IOS commands. Only those Chuck Norris chooses not to look at!
• Cisco implemented the “test crash” hidden IOS command because it was otherwise impossible to break a router that Chuck Norris had worked on!
• Metric in RIP represents distance between router and Chuck Norris. Lower the distance is, Chuck is closer to punch your packet and send it to grave.

DHCP

• DHCP jokes are leased.
• A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says: “here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!

DNS

• The best thing about DNSSEC jokes is that you can check if they were told wrong.
• DNS is the root of all problems.
• You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead.
• WHOIS going to tell us a Domain Name joke?
• Ethernet
• I had an Ethernet joke, but somebody else told it at the same time. So I exponentially backed off and tried again.
• {1,Two guys}{2,Hear about}{1,are talking}{2,the dope}{1,in}{2,who confused}{1.full-duplex,}{2,TDM with full-duplex?}
• LAN jokes can only be told properly if you tell an STP joke first.
• You have to tell a broadcast joke to everybody to find the one who see the fun on it.
• Broadcast your own ARP jokes, mine are only funny within the same collision domain.
• ARP jokes are often gratuitous.
• An ARP request goes to McDonald’s and asks for a Big MAC.
• I like ARP jokes, because it’s so easy to make them appear to originate from other persons.
• How do you catch an Ether bunny? With an Ethernet.

HTTP

• The best thing about 404 jokes is… wait, damnit, it’s around here somewhere…
• There’s no more 301 jokes because they have all been moved permanently.
• HTTP 200 jokes are only OK.
• IPv4
• An IPv4 address walks into a bar and says: “Quick, give me a drink. I am exhausted!”
• The worst thing about protocol jokes is the ridiculous TTL.
• I’d tell you the one about the CIDR block, but you’re too classy.
• Didn’t we run out of IPv4 jokes?
• After dropping the packet the IP said it was my best effort.
• RFC1918 jokes are inside jokes.
• IP packet with TTL=1 arrives at bar. Bartender: “Sorry, can’t let you leave… and you don’t get any beer either…”
• Router: It hurts when IP.
• Network pray: Dear Lord, Please grant me the ability to punch people in the face over standard TCP/IP.
• We need to find more space for the IPv4 Comedy Roadshow, since all seats are taken.
• There’s no place like 127.0.0.1.
• I have told IPv4 joke 254 times. Then it stopped being funny.
• I have told IPv4 joke to my friend. He checked checksum and had best effort laugh.
• I have tried to tell you IPv4 joke, but you were unreachable.
• Yo mama is so used, they call her IPv4.
• “Hello, here’s a packet : “The problem with low MTU jokes is you can”. Hello, here’s a packet : “wait a long time before reading”. Hello, here’s a packet : “it.”
• 192.168.0.1 jokes are best told in private.

IPv6

• The bad thing about IPv6 jokes is that nobody wants to tell them first.
• The best part about IPv6 jokes is that you don’t have to make up the punchline for 15 years.
• The great thing about Teredo jokes is that you can tell smart jokes even when surrounded by dumb peers.
• The problem with IPv6 jokes is they’re long, obscure and no one gets them without a translation.
• I know a great IPv6 joke, but I just don’t think you’re ready for it.
• An IPv6 packet walks into a bar. Nobody talks to him.
• The great thing about Teredo jokes is that you can tell smart jokes even when surrounded by dumb peers.
• I will tell you IPv6 joke, but first I need to tell you IPv4 joke, so you get it.
• If you run IPv6 then you’re a c001:d00d.
• IPv4 is soon dead:beef.

Multicast

• Sometimes I feel like a multicast packet. Ask 10 different people how to get somewhere and get 10 different answers.
• A multicast packet walks into a bar and leaves by four different exits at the same time.
• A multicast packet walks into 100 bars at one time.
• Multicast jokes are good, but you can only get them if you bother to listen.

NTP

• An NTP packet calls ahead to make sure the bar’s open. By the time he gets there, it’s closed.
• I made an NTP joke once. The timing was perfect.
• The trick of telling a good NTP joke is about the timing…

Routing

• Is “smoke signal” a routable protocol?
• I’d like to tell you the full joke about a BGP table but I don’t think you can remember it all.
• The best thing about RIP jokes is that they’re funny 15 more times.
• The strange thing about BGP jokes is that they’re borderline funny but everybody repeats them anyway.
• A LSA Type 6 packet walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender ignores him.
• A LSA Type 2 packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender say’s “here, but don’t leave the area with it.”
• Q. What did the OSPF router say to the other OSPF router ?
• A. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
• Five routers walk into a bar. Who gets the car keys? The Designated Router.
• Is IS-IS = 0 ?
• People who tell routing jokes always exceed their time-to-live.
• My new OSPF neighbor told me all his jokes after we said hello to each other. Then he tells me the whole database of jokes every 30 minutes.
• I keep telling him all my RIP jokes, but he is passive about it.
• I was asking all my neighbors for an EIGRP joke. Didn’t receive all replies, so I am stuck in active.
• Son, If I fail to route jokes to this destination, I want you to be my feasible successor. You have good distance.
• I told EIGRP all my OSPF jokes. EIGRP said that they are infinite.
• I would tell a BGP joke, but everyone probably already knows it.
• The great thing about BGP jokes? Anyone can claim they are their own, all you can do is hope your neighbours like them.
• I just heard 300.000 BGP jokes.
• I was arguing with my neighbor about who will tell great new BGP joke. I was locally more preferred joke teller, but didn’t want to compete with his weight.
• Game Lemmings is like static routing. If improperly configured, you loose Lemmings.

Security

• SSH 1.33 and/or 1.5 protocol jokes are useless.
• I heard a great one about IPSEC, but you wouldn’t get it — it’s an inside joke.
• There are no good DH jokes because nobody agrees on the same prime.
• The problem with a cryptography joke is that you need to tell a pair of them before anyone understand what’s being said.
• Why are ASAs so noisy? They don’t know how to ssh.
• He said he was open to networking, but when we met up, he didn’t make a PEAP.
• The great thing about HTTP Upgrade jokes is… wait, someone might be listening, come closer add I’ll whisper.
• The great thing about TLS jokes is that you can tell if it’s not original.

SNMP

• The problem with SMTP jokes are, you need some good reason to came back after greylisting and tell them again.
• SNMP walks into a bar and gets unknown object identifier.
• You need to tell a authorized POP3 joke before you can have a SMTP laugh.
• Unfortunately you need MIB files to understand the best SNMP jokes.
• My name is Bond, James Bond, SNMP agent.

TCP & UDP

• The problem with UDP jokes: I don’t get half of them.
• In high society, TCP is more welcome than UDP. At least it knows a proper handshake.
• arrival order packet joke is critical to good a make
• T he bes thin gabou tTCPfl owcontr oljokesi sthatthey knowwhento backo ff….
• I was promised a three way and all I got was a TCP handshake.
• A TCP packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beer”, barman says “you want a beer?” and TCP packet says “yes, a beer”.
• A bunch of TCP packets go into a bar, until it’s overcrowded. The next day, half as many go in.
• A bunch of TCP packets walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hang on just a second, I need to close the window.”
• I’m going to keep telling you this TCP joke until you get it.
• Want to hear a SYN FLOOD joke? -Want to hear a SYN FLOOD joke? -Want to hear a SYN FLOOD joke? -Want to hear a SYN FLOOD joke? -Want to hear a SYN FLOOD joke?
• When I try to send SYNs to chicks, I don’t get any ACKs. Just FINs and RSTs.
• I dressed up as a UDP packet… I don’t think anyone got it, but I couldn’t tell.
• Whats the worst thing about sending a joke in TCP? I’ll keep telling it slower and slower until you get it.
• A UDP packet walks into a bar without a checksum. Nobody cares.
• TCP must be religious… Why? Because it all starts with a SYN….
• Adam and Eve where in the Garden of Eden. Snake offered apple to Eve and that was the first SYN.

Voice

• I always get jittery when making jokes in real time.
• An RTP packet walks into a bar through the wrong entrance. The barman says “You’re not getting any special treatment”.
• The best thing about Delay-Tolerant Networking jokes is that everyone gets them eventually.

Wireless

• The bad thing about RTS jokes is, you must first get ready to get them told.
• The bad thing about WEP jokes is that they all stink, so better don’t sniff them.
• A joke about IEEE 802.15.5 is pointless if you tell it right.
• Telling a lot of bluetooth jokes will reduce the bandwidth of your WiFi jokes.
• I would tell you a WEP joke, but I need to collect 50,000 packets first.
• I was telling joke to my house neighbor over WiFi, but someone interfered.

Other

• I tweeted several IPX/SPX jokes, but they can’t reach the Internet.
• A token walks into a bar. Another token can’t walk into the bar because it’s afraid of the dog.
• XML jokes are well-formed
• Open Traffic shaping: All packets are equal, but some are more equal than others.
• CRC jokes tend to get repeated until you get them right.
• Serial jokes must be told bit by bit.
• An ICMP Redirect walks into a bar. Everybody moves next door.
• See most people talk about the OSI model as having 7 layers but they don’t mention layer 8 where a lot of the problems actually occur.
• When I go to the doctor for a cold and congestion, I usually tell him I have a ton of BECN bits set on the flow of my breathing through my nose.
• CCIE people don’t use steering wheel in their cars. They use CLI.
• CCIE people plan their trips with a route map.
• My new year’s resolution is 1080p.
• “I had a dream.. and there were 1’s and 0’s everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!” – Futurama
• If you have experienced an ICMP joke, ping me.
• We were supposed to be dressed in disguise. So I dressed as NAT.
• The worst thing about broadcast storm jokes is that everyone’s already heard them a hundred times.
• The great thing about QoS jokes is that you may never know how much attention you are getting.